


40%Cream is a Better Pranking Pie than Lemon Meringue Pies

by Jade_Dots_on_Uneven_floor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: And karkat, Dirty Jokes, F/M, Mainly John, Not really though, One Shot, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Pranks, Slice of Life, dave - Freeform, hints of romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 10:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13122210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jade_Dots_on_Uneven_floor/pseuds/Jade_Dots_on_Uneven_floor
Summary: The legendary prankster is at his work again with his best bro, infuriating Karkat into hating at them platonically through memos, which never works for anyone brave enough to dare try.





	40%Cream is a Better Pranking Pie than Lemon Meringue Pies

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying out the Homestuck skins and writing my story here. Anyway, this is just some character interactions for you to read. I hope you enjoy even if it isn't of the best quality. I still try my best whenever I write so this shouldn't be too bad. Also, a heads up, this is my first fanfic. I added something that younger than teens might not get and it won't ruin anyone's experience, but if you do get it, you get Dave's joke. If you are a teen, I know that some of you will get it even though _technically_ , you're not supposed to, but *ahem*, I don't know your age so...

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board WHO THE FUCK LEFT CREAMPIES EVERYWHERE?  
  
CCG: HELLO?   
CCG: WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS GUYS, ABOUT WHY PIES NEED SUGAR AND IT WOULD HELP IF THE PEOPLE INVITED ACTUALLY SHOWED THE UP WITHOUT WAITING SWEEPS.  
CCG: WHICH MEANS YOU JOHN AND DAVE.  
CCG: I’M INVITING YOU TWO TO REPLY, NOT THAT YOU HAVE ANY SAY IN THE MATTER EXCEPT TO AGREE WITH THE BIGGEST HELL FUCKING YES SINCE I’M DICTATING LEADERSHIP ON COMMON SENSE.  
CCG: OBVIOUSLY YOU GUYS CAN’T SUCCUMB TO COMMON SENSE AND THUS GET A ZERO, BUT NOT REPLYING DEFAULTS TO NEGATIVE POINTS.   
CCG: LET’S ALL ACT LIKE FUCKING WRIGGLERS AND IGNORE KARKAT BECAUSE OH, HE’S ACTUALLY SPOUTING SOME SENSE INTO US.   
CCG: MAYBE IF YOU TRIED TO HIDE IT BETTER, I MIGHT ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE HELPING THE MAYOR PLAN SOME DRASTIC METEOR DISASTER, BUT NOOOOOO.  
CCG: YOU HAD TO BE GIGGLING AND DOING YOUR STUPID UNIRONIC BULLSHIT. AS A CERTAIN STUPID LUCKY MANIAC THAT CAN GO SUCK MY NOOK WOULD SAY, CAN UP.  
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAG: Hi Joooooooohn, and I suppose you guys too Karkat and Dave.  
CAG: Wowsies Karkat!!!!!!!!  
CCG: WHAT VRISKA. I HONESTLY DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT SO SAY IT.  
CAG: Someone’s having a 8ad day, maybe even the worst one to d8.  
CAG: As a certain someone would say, can up. You’re wasting memo space. I’m sure you already recognize who’s in cahoots with who right now so you don’t even need to ask.   
CAG: John!  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: yes vriska?  
CCG banned CAG from responding to memo.  
CCG: GO THE FUCK AWAY VRISKA. DON’T YOU HAVE SCHEMES OR SOMETHING TO PUT INTO ACTION? SHOO.  
CEB: hey karkat, that was rude.   
CEB: didn’t even get to hear what she had to say.  
CCG: AND YOU JOHN. IF YOU EVER NEED TO FLIRT DO IT PRIVATELY, NOTE THE PRIVATE PART OF PRIVATELY.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: yep no shits given man but that was a pretty dick move  
CTG: its rare enough that someones even invested in john however much i may be already but its a girl with the hots for his dick  
CCG: LIKE THEY WON’T BE MAKING OUT TONIGHT DAVE.  
CCG: IN HORRIBLE HORROR MOVIE-CLICHE TERMS. COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE.  
CCG: DID I JUST SAY THAT? OH MY GOD, I JUST DROPPED ANOTHER LEVEL ON THE INTOLERABLE SCALE TO IRONICALLY UNIRONIC AVIATOR DOUCHEBAG.  
CCG: ARE YOU TWO IGNORING ME? I WAS SURE THAT THAT MY HATE COULD BE FELT ON THE OTHER METEOR IN THE NEXT VEIL, BUT APPARENTLY TWO UNNAMED ASSES ARE SO DENSE THEY CAN’T FEEL THE HATE-WAVES FROM THE CORNER ACROSS THE HALLWAY.  
CCG: SURPRISE DAVE. YOUR PHONE’S GLOW CAN BE SEEN FROM HERE. IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE PIES, I’D BE STORMING MY WAY OVER TO DRAG YOUR BUTTS HERE MYSELF.  
CTG: shit john  
CTG: were not starting a tickle war right here rig-HAHAHAHAHA!!!  
CEB: nice try dave, but i’m not stopping! :D  
CTG ceased responding to memo.  
CEB ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M TIRED OF SITTING HERE WAITING FOR TWO PEOPLE THAT I KNOW ARE PURPOSELY IGNORING ME TO SPITE ME TO REPLY SENSIBLY.  
CCG: CAN THIS SITUATION BE DUMBER? THE WEAKNESS LEVELS OF THE ARGUMENT ARE SHOOTING OFF THE CHARTS THEY REPORT. I DUMP MY COFFEE ONTO THEM AND THEN PROMPTLY KICKS THEIR ASS FOR TELLING ME THE OBVIOUS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO HEAR.   
PAST turntechGodhead [TG] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PTG: whoa someones needs to chill   
PTG: actually no karkat cannot chill its been physically proven that his brain cannot chill to below 150 degrees of anger  
PTG: karkles cant stop himself from tripping into the pies either  
PTG: the strider eyes cant get enough of this its golden   
PTG: john come witness this masterpiece  
PTG: karkats magnum opus  
CCG banned PTG from responding to memo.  
PAST ectoBiologist [EB] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PEB: dave! we need to go right now, i know that karkat falling is pretty funny, but i think we've been spotted by the floating 3d glasses dude so...better run.  
PAST turntechGodhead 2 [TG2] 5 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PTG2: nah john  
PTG2: no need to shimmy our hot asses out of here right away  
PTG2: the dude doesn't even care  
PTG2: he just gave me a thumbs up after the hipster scarf dude fell face-first into the pies and floated away like a messiah in the making  
PTG2: wait no  
PTG2: no messiahs i have a feeling the clown dudes gonna show up or something  
FUTURE terminallycapricious [FTG] ??? HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo  
FTC: :o)   
FTC: dOeS tHe BrO wAnNa MoThErFuCkIn TaLk AbOuT tHe MeRcIfUl MeSsIaHs?  
CCG: SHIT GAMZEE.  
CCG: GO AWAY.  
CCG: GO BAKE SOME PIES OR SOMETHING.  
CCG: BUT DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE EAT ANY OR I’LL RAGE ALL HELL ONTO YOU AND YOU’LL BE CRIPPLING LIKE A BUG IN SUN.  
CCG banned FTC from responding to memo.  
PTG2: how does that thing fucking work anyway?  
PTG2: how does the universe work like that   
PTG2: i mean have you ever wondered why clowns exist out of all things the things that could?   
PTG2: unicorns could've happened and instead the clowns took over  
PTG2: just why  
PEB: sorry, terezi’s trying to troll me, and she’s being like super annoying. UGGGGHHHH!!!! She’s so INFURIATING!  
PEB ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW?  
CCG: ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE IMAGINARY HORNED HOOFBEASTS THAT DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE PITIED DUE TO THE FACT THAT THEY'RE IMAGINARY?  
Current gallowsCalibrator [PCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGC: H3H3H3. LOOK WHOS P1SS3D OFF NOW >:D  
PAST ectoBiologist 2 [PEB2] 7 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PEB2: go away terezi   
PEB2: don’t you have eyes? can’t you see we’re trying to talk here?  
CGC: HOW RUD3 JOHN 4R3 YOU M4K1NG FUN OF MY D1S4B1L1TY??  
CGC: SH4M3 ON YOU  
PEB2: i don’t know... what “am” i making fun of? you’re inability to see the situation? or maybe your blindness.  
PEB2: wait, maybe it’s both!  
CGC: RUD3 JOHN  
CGC: DONT YOU KNOW HOW TO TR34T 4 G1RL??  
CGC: MY S3NS1T1V3 F33L1NGS 4R3 HURT. YOU KNOW...YOU COULD M4K3 1T UP TO M3 1F YOU G3T VR1SK4 TO C4LM H3R T1TS…  
PEB2: what the fuck? Why would i do that?  
CGC: W3LL JOHN YOU M1GHT W4NT TO KNOW THAT TH3 SH4V1NG CR34M 1N YOUR ROOM M1GHT JUST 3XPLOD3 FOR SOM3 UNKNOWN R34SONS  
CCG: SOM3 V3RY 1NTR1GU1NG R34SONS   
PEB2: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHY ARE YOU SO, SO, SO,  
PEB2: ANNOYING? i swear terezi, if you do that...  
CGC: <3<  
PEB2: no!  
PEB2: get that away from me  
PEB2: stop sending me those creepy grins  
CGC: WH4T 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT JOHN?? WH4T GR1NS?? P3RH4PS YOU’R3 1N 4 ST4T3 OF BL1ND 4NG3R.  
CGC: PL34S3 C4LM DOWN JOHN, YOUR3 SC4R1NG 3V3RYON3  
PTG2: not wanting to interrupt you two but...john  
PTG2: this is public remember  
PTG2: scroll scroll scroll and everyone sees  
PTG2: think about rose  
PEB2: fine dave  
PEB2: and troll you later ugly  
PEB2 ceased responding to memo.  
PTG2: phew! i mean that was ironic as hell and another tier of romcom life but they sure were going at it  
CCG: CONTINUING WHERE WE LEFT OFF, WHERE WERE WE? OH YEAH, WATCHING JOHN’S BLACK ENDEAVOURS.  
CCG: I MEAN I’M REALLY CURIOUS, BUT…  
CCG: SHIT JUST, TROLL ME LATER JOHN.   
CCG: OKAY JOHN? YOU’RE FUCKING CLUELESS AND I HAVE TO EDUCATE YOU ABOUT THE BLACKNESS THAT PLAGUES ALL OF US.  
CGC: H3H3H3  
CCG: FUCK YOU! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO GIVE ROMANTIC ADVICE, ESPECIALLY TO A HUMAN WITH NO EXPERIENCE IN THE DARKER QUADRANTS.  
CGC ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS. WHOEVER LEFT THOSE PIES THERE ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH GAMZEE LATER.  
CCG banned PTG2 from responding to memo.  
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.  
CCG banned PEB2 from responding to memo.  
Honk  
CCG: DID I JUST HEAR A HONK?  
CCG: OR WAS I IMAGINING IT. WHATEVER, JUST TRY TO MAKE SURE THAT GAMZEE DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT THE PIES. IF HE DOES, SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR LEAVING IT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
CCG: SEE? I’M BEING NICE HERE. WARNING YOU ABOUT HIS PIE ADDICTION.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: wait john check this out  
CCG: FUCK YOU STRIDER. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY ANYMORE.  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: what were we talking about? pies, oh yeah, those. I fully claim-  
CTG: karkat really needs a chill  
CTG: although its sad he aint real still  
CTG: really coulda used bits of moi  
CTG: and really not a slice of egbert pie  
CTG: the sight was genius albeit i died  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK DAVE? REALLY? YOU DECIDE TO DROP A SHITPILE OF YOUR RAPS NOW OF ALL TIMES?   
CCG: I AM ASTOUNDED BY YOU DAVE. THIS IS A FEAT NO OTHER HUMAN CAN, OR WILL EVER BE ABLE TO COMPARE.   
CCG: GREAT JOB DAVE, GREAT JOB. KARKAT SILENTLY CLAPS HIS HAND.  
CEB: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! DAVE, STOP! we do not need another memo full of your stupid raps. look dave, we're here, no need to spam us ok? god, how do you even find your raps cool? and these ones are shittier than normal.  
CEB: besides, karkat seems really annoyed about something. maybe we should listen rather than leaking raps from our mouths, no wait, that's only your mouth, dave.  
CTG: yeah john we totally dont already know what karkats pissed off about  
CTG: since i have the respect for my best bro who doesnt seem to have any for me ill listen for a sec  
CCG: THANK YOU JOHN, AND DAVE TOO, BUT NOT BY MUCH. DON’T WORRY, THIS SLIGHT KINDNESS WON’T EXIST FOR LONG.   
CCG: JOHN SEEMS TO BE THE TINIEST BIT MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN DAVE HERE, BUT NOT BY MUCH AS YOU’RE EQUAL ON LEVEL OF PERCEPTION.   
CCG: I DID INDEED HAVE A REASON FOR DRAGGING YOU TWO INTO THIS CONVERSATION THAT IS MORE ACCEPTABLE THAN JUST TO SHARE MY *SICK RHYMES*  
CTG: karkat how could you?  
CTG: my poor baby rhymes are crying  
CTG: theyre in need of my maternal raps   
CTG: behold karkat  
CTG: now i have to helph some more  
CTG: THE WORDS ARE POURING OUTTA ME OR  
CTG: somethings up an it aint no good  
CTG: cause a babies cryin is bad parenthood  
CTG: and actually nuke me  
CTG: theyre sadly  
CTG: not gonna live another day  
CTG: if i dont give some more outpay   
CCG: HOW TO GET THIS MANY WORDS OUT YOUR MOUTH. POOR BRO, HE HAD TO DEAL WITH A BABY STUFFING HIS FACE FULL OF WORDS FOR STORAGE EVERY TWO SECONDS.   
CCG: HOW ABOUT YOU GO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR US ALL AND SHUT UP.  
CEB: yeah dave, i don’t think we can read that fast when you literally send out texts every 2 seconds. can we please go already?  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [TG] 2 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTG: sup  
CTG: sup future me  
FTG: enjoying the show?  
CTG: yep  
CTG: just asking  
CTG: but do you know where the AJs hidden?  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?  
CCG: STATE YOUR PURPOSE DAVE.  
FTG: im the future one  
CCG: IT DOESN’T MATTER.  
CCG: TO ME, YOU’RE ALL THE SAME IGNORANT DOUCHEBAGS. THE SAME DOUCHEBAGS WHO TAKE HALF OF THEIR DAY JUST TO TROLL ME. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY ROUND, BUT BEING DAVES, YOU GUYS CAN’T COMPLY.  
CTG: but see here karkat  
CTG: in your rant you already admitted that future dave and current dave are two separate beings in this continuous timeline  
CTG: if there's something strange in your timeline loop  
CTG: who you gonna call?  
CEB: time players!  
FTG: only the coolest dudes to have ever exist in all timelines  
CEB: do you finally understand how awesome ghostbusters is?  
FTG: no  
CTG: its ironic how there can even be genuine fans of it in this world  
FTG: the AJ stash is in roses drawer by the way  
FTG: youll need a raid to get it all  
CTG: thanks dude  
CTG: you know how parched my mouth was for the spring of life  
CTG: and rose came and buried it  
CEB: ugh!!! you guys and your time shenanigans  
CEB: i’m staying out of them  
CEB: and stop making fun of ghostbusters dude.  
CEB: dave, you know that rose has a completely legitimate reason for keeping out of the loop about AJ stashes right?  
CTG: nope man  
CTG: no one can keep this child from his mother  
CTG: AJ birthed the enigma known as dave  
CTG: and he loves his mother very much  
CEB: dude, you know this is like super weird right? you drink AJ.  
CEB: and rose and everyone you’ve gone batshit crazy with your time powers after that time you chugged down a 4 litre bottle of the stuff like an idiot  
FTG: come on john  
FTJ: i love AJ like you love nic cage  
FTG: all in bad taste though  
CTG: yeah and john your love for nic is closer to ironic than me and AJ even if its unironic  
CTG: like you know how when you unironically love something so bad its ironic how unironic you are right?  
CCG: I’M SORRY TO SAY, BUT DAVE HAS A POINT, AND THIS CONVERSATION’S GOTTEN OUT OF HAND YOU BULGESUCKERS.  
CEB: hey!  
CEB: what’s nic ever done to you guys?  
CCG: THE ACTUAL REASON FOR TALKING WAS, DRUMROLL PEOPLE, YES PEOPLE AND TROLLS ALIKE  
CEB: nic cage is wonderful and the best.  
CEB: THE best.  
CCG: LISTEN YOU DUMB NOOKSWIFFERS!  
CCG: SOMEONE THOUGHT IT WOULD’VE BEEN FUNNY TO LEAVE CREAMPIES ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND DECIDED THE CRAP WASN’T WORTH CLEANING UP.   
CCG: I SURE WONDER WHO THE CULPRIT IS? GEEZ, I DON'T KNOW, THERE SIMPLY IS TOO MANY SUSPECTS...COULD IT HAVE BEEN, *GASPS*, YOU JOHN?  
CEB: haha. very funny karkat. yes, it was me, the pranking genius, jonathan egbert the 13th, bow before him, hail his pranking antics. Who else could’ve it been?  
CCG: I SWEAR, ONCE I DO THAT, MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE. AS IF THAT COULD HAPPEN. IF I HEAR THE DAY WHEN DAVE'S GIANT METAPHOR SHITS DIE AND SHRIVEL UP, AND JOHN'S STUPID GOOF SMILE IS WIPED CLEAN OFF OF HIS FACE, THAT'LL BE THE DAY I DIE.   
CTG: has it ever crossed it was creampies and not just  
FTG: normal lemon meringue pies?  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK DAVE?  
CCG: IF THERE SOME HUMAN CULTURE THING I’M SUPPOSED TO KNOW DESPITE GROWING UP ON A HEALTHY SERVING OF ALTERNIA?  
CEB: no dave! you're supposed to tell your bros about this, it aint cool. and it’s disgusting.  
CEB: there’s an unsaid rule that if you’re making a prank weird, you should tell me.  
CTG: trust me egbert  
CTG: strider trust funds got your prankster gambits under control  
CTG: youll see a return of a whopping ass kicking 13% return  
CTG: and trust me its high  
FTG: proof from the future  
FTG: ive got connections if youre worried about insiders trading  
CEB: maybe you coulda taught me the lingo before you go off in tangent dave  
CEB: “way to watch out for friends” by dave strider And rose lalonde  
CEB: use a fuckton of complicated language that is only english by a vague sense.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [CG] 20:64 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: THIS WAS STUPID AND I CAN’T BELIEVE PAST ME DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE BULGE TO LET THIS ENTER HIS MIND.  
FCG: I ALSO CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS WHOLE MATTER.  
FCG: I SHOULD’VE DONE THIS A LONG TIME AGO.   
FCG: UNFORTUNATELY PAST ME DIDN’T SO NOW HERE I AM.  
FCG: HEY YOU FUCKING NOOKSWIFFERS, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BECOME FLATTENED FRESCOS ON A WALL THEN CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!  
FCG: AND DON’T YOU EVEN BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT FLYING OVER BECAUSE WE WILL STAND GUARD.  
FCG: AND ROSE WILL STAB YOU TO DEATH IN A MELTING POT OF RAGE AND LINGUISTICS.  
FCG: JUST REMEMBER WHICH SIDE THE ALCHEMITER AND KITCHEN IS IN.  
FCG: AND TO SAVE YOU FURTHER EMBARRASSMENT  
CCG: DON’T I HA-  
FCG banned everyone from responding to memo.  
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.  
FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.  
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.  
FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.  
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.  
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.  
FCG closed memo.  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this. Remember, this is just a bit of pesterlogs of everyday life for the characters, in one of the universes where these characters and more live on the meteor. Point out any typos of misformatting if you have the time please so I can fi them. Please comment so I can improve my next fic and thanks for reading!


End file.
